Tips on how to gain weight and be FAT

There are tons of resources available via television, internet and media on ways to lose weight and stay in shape.  Gurus giving advice, yoga instructors bending and posing, personal assistants, fitness instructors and ofcourse stripteasing Carmen Electra with her pole dancing.  All guiding and molding people into a healthier skinnier you. That’s great!

But what about those of us who rather look like a pear than a banana.  Who is inspiring those who hope to sit on our couch wearing soiled track pants and t-shirts with ice cream stains watching Lost and laughing at the bimbos on America’s Next Top Idol Model Pimp Sell Out.  Sure there is Jack Black and the fat guy from SuperBad but we need more leaders.  

So that is where I hope to provide some much needed guidance.  A strict ant-diet if you will.  The following are some tips on how to let obesity flow over you like caramel over french vanilla ice cream.   

  • Start fat early. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And Canada has the most donut shops per capita. Put two and two together and you have a nice baker’s dozen. 
  • Always carry snacks.  After breakfast, before lunch you need something to hold you over. Fill your desk at work with snacks like Nibs, chocolate, Doritos and gummy worms.
  • Lunch is also important. Don’t skip it just because you are still full from breakfast and snacks.  Eat up.  Hamburgers with fries and gravy definitely help the day go by faster.
  • Plan Ahead. While at your desk start deciding what you want to buy and eat for dinner and a late night snack while watching TV. Nobody likes it when their favourite show is about to start and there is nothing in the fridge.
  • Before bed grab something for the night.  Many people don’t realize your body is using calories while you sleep. Keep it replenished while you sleep. A bowl of Captain Crunch cereal and a chocolate milk works well for me.

There are many small things you can do like taking a taxi or bus instead of walking, taking the elevator, asking someone else to get something from the printer for you or just asking the waiter to add a little extra.  These little things lead to big results. Literally.  Goodluck and stay fat. If not for you then for the people around you.



~ by coconutoz on March 29, 2010.

2 Responses to “Tips on how to gain weight and be FAT”

  1. I’ll be watching you at work to make sure you practice what you preach. Just don’t ask me to get your printouts for you.

  2. […] Tips on how to gain weight and be FAT March 2010 1 comment 3 […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: